not a destination

i just feel so lost lately. actually, i started to feel lost when i started nursing school. the past year and a half has been really tough on me. it’s been blow after blow to my self-esteem and i can’t figure out why it is that i can’t do as well as i know i can. what happened? i just got so good at faking being fine and then falling apart occasionally, picking up enough pieces just so i can manage to more forward. every little thing gets to me. i think back to when i quit my job, went back to school and moved out on my own. i was so much stronger, so much more courageous, so much more clear about my future. and now i’m just struggling with my life, my relationship with gibius, my family, his family, my friends, where i’m headed and always always struggling with where i’ve been. i hold everything in and it’s too much at times.

reading about a little bit about cat stevens and listening to this song has been inspirational. it at least gives me something to look forward to… a reflection of where i was headed before, where i want to be headed now.

spirituality in nursing school

i had a good discussion with my spirituality class today. i even got to bring up the following:

“If you take the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain, soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone. Our bible IS the wind and the rain.”

~Herbalist Carol McGrath as told to her by a Native-American woman.

and this concept from one of my favorite books, going home: jesus and buddha as brothers:

The same thing is true in Christianity. From time to time, you feel that you are very far away from your Christian brother. You feel that the brother who practices in the Buddhist tradition is much closer to you as a Christian. So Buddhism is not Buddhism and Christianity is not Christianity. There are many forms of Buddhism and many ways of understanding Buddhism. There are many ways of understanding Christianity. Therefore, let us forget the idea that Christianity must be like this, and that Buddhism can only be like that.

We don’t want to say that Buddhism is a kind of Christianity and Christianity is a kind of Buddhism. A mango can not be an orange. I cannot accept the fact that a mango is an orange. They are two different things. Vive la difference. But when you look deeply into the mango and into the orange, you see that although they are different they are both fruits. If you analyze the mango and the orange deeply enough, you will see small elements are in both, like the sunshine, the clouds, the sugar, and the acid. If you spend time looking deeply enough, you will discover that the only difference between them lies in the degree, in the emphasis. At first you see the difference between the orange and the mango. But if you look a little deeper, you discover many things in common. In the orange you find acid and sugar which is in the mango too. Even two oranges taste different; one can be very sour and one can be very sweet.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

a lot of people decided not to take this elective because they thought it was going to be hard. i actually wanted to take this elective because i know it will be beneficial. i hope to gain a better perspective and to grow because of this class.

a good way to end this post:

the princess of power

gosh, i’ve felt so deflated lately. i’ve had a series of challenges come my way and i could not figure out how to overcome them. this time last year, i had more clarity and focus but i didn’t have as many challenges then as i do now. i just got my second wind and i’m feeling much better. so here i am again, ready to take on the world.

i am ibarra. fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day i held aloft my sword and said "for the honor of grayskull!" together, me and my friends of the great rebellion strive to free ourselves from the evil forces of nursing school! i. am. SHE-RA!!!

cleopatra, come at me.

Today is just not my day.

A little backstory:
I’m struggling this semester. Nursing school is a lot tougher than I could have ever expected and I’m finding myself considering having to give up my dreams of making As and instead settling for passing with grades higher than 72 (Bs would be nice too). Currently, I have pretty solid Bs in my Assessment and Pharmacology class but below 72 in both Concepts and Pathophysiology. I’m so embarrassed. Between that and trying to manage my financial stuff (thanks a lot, financial aid), I’m finding that it’s not so much that material that’s hard, but rather it’s the amount of time that I’m lacking to get it all learned that makes it hard.

Fast forward to today:
Thursdays are tough because I have 12-hour days at school. I have to get up early to take care of the dog, get dressed and make it in time for assessment lab which lasts from 9-1:30. If I was smart that week, I would have spent several hours finishing my assessment lab manual the weekend before and not the night before (doing it on Wednesday nights is not ideal because I have to wake up at 5 to do my hospital clinicals from 6:30-3). In this case, I did it the weekend before and even had time to scan my manual pages in and type my answers. So I had lab all morning and finished up around 1. Around 1:05, I either called or got a call from Thuy in the hallway after I left lab. Right before I got on the elevator, I hung up with her and went to the 3rd floor to go to our study room. As soon as Iris and I set our stuff down, we went to 2nd floor on to Student Life to get free food. I didn’t expect to leave with my hands full of cookies, glass of milk and corn chips. I opened the door with my foot and proceeded to go up the stairs again to the study room on the 3rd floor. Around 2:30, I realized that I didn’t have my phone. The only place I can think of is that I left it on one of the tables at Student Life while I was getting food. I spent the entire time looking for my phone until I had to go to Pathophysiology at 5. Between 5 and 9, I kept asking my friends to call my phone during our breaks. No answer but not going straight to voicemail so it’s still on. After class, I was dropping Iris off and her bag fell on the back panel switches for my back windows in the car and accidentally opened my back windows. On my way to my apartment after dropping her off, all I could think of was taking a hot shower and going straight to bed so that I can study all day tomorrow. Unfortunately, as I was turning the car off, I noticed that my left rear window is still down. I turned my car on again to get the window up but to no avail. It wouldn’t work. Neither of the front of back panel switches for it work. Of course, I can’t call anyone because, oh yeah, I lost my phone. After 10 minutes, Gibran came home and looked at it. He’s trying to fix it now but I’m worried that he won’t be able to. To sum it up, I’m stressed for the following reasons:

  • My academic standing in Patho and Concepts is shaky (which is relatively ok since a lot of people are struggling with nursing school too)
  • My financial status is a constant worry in my head
  • I’m constantly trying to have to fit in all my classes, labs, studying, homework, clinicals, and regular life stuff (like taking care of my dog and taking care of myself)
  • I lost my phone with no way of communicating with any of my classmates to get any information about school or any of my friends to get my mind off of school
  • And my car is a stupid son of a whore.

P.S. I don’t even have the energy to proofread this post because I’m so exhausted so forgive me if there are any errors.