i guess i was wrong

in 2005, when i decided to be an advertising major and minor in studio arts, regardless of what my parents would say, it happened. and guess what, they were ok with it.

in 2006, when i decided that i was going to make vast contributions to aaf at uh, it happened.

when i decided that i was going to get over my anxiety and visit my family in the philippines after 8 years, it happened. and i did it by myself.

when i decided that i was going to get an internship after three months of post-college sulking and brooding, within 2 weeks, it happened.

when i decided that i was going to get a job after my internship, two days before the end of my internship, it happened.

when i decided that i was going to make straight As in my first semester back to school (including anatomy and physiology), it happened.

when i decided that i was going to make an outstanding gpa this past year, 10 As and 1 B later, it happened.

when i decided that i was going to make it into TWU’s nursing program, as of last friday, it happened.

you get the point. when i set my mind on something, it just pretty much becomes a matter of “when” and not a matter of “if.” especially after my experiences with my awesome boss, i’ve come to realize that while there are still things beyond my circle of influence and control, i have more input into my own success than i originally thought. this is why, when i reluctantly entered into a relationship months ago, that i thought i was going to succeed.

“it’s going to be tough. it’s going to be difficult. i’m going to cry a lot but i’m going to persevere,” i thought.

what i failed to realize about relationships is that unlike my previous feats, a complete half of my success rested solely on the hands of another person. my best is only as good as his best. it doesn’t matter if i studied harder, pushed harder, worked harder. if he’s slacking, then i’m slacking. it’s a whole the-chain-is-only-as-strong-as-its-weakest-link thing.

(not to say that he’s a weak link. i’m not calling anyone out. for his part, i’m sure he believed that he tried.)

i was foolish to think it was going to happen though. how naive was i to think that i was just going to get in there and kick butt when half of the couples in the country can’t make it work? is this hubris? am i simply dragging around a dead thing behind me, blinded by my past successes?

so now i’m 6 months in, completely in love (foolishly) and thinking “i can still make this work.” as much as i want to believe that i can, not for the sake of it, but simply because i love him, there is very little in me that tells me it will work, much less thrive. we both have too many things going on right now and while i have confidence in my ability to balance it, albeit being totally emotional and girly at the same time, there’s no way for me to know that he can… or that he wants to.

what i do know is this: i start nursing school in the spring and i don’t care what they put in front of me, i’m kicking butt and rocking out for the next two years.